Oscar Wilde’s Mrs Cheveley noted that “Questions are never indiscreet. Answers sometimes are.” In law courts, there are many recorded instances of people giving unexpected replies to legal questions, says Gary Slapper, Professor of Law and Director of the Law School at The Open University...
1. In a Canadian case, a woman was testifying about getting hurt during a bout of social disorder.
Judge: Just a moment, were you actually kicked in the fracas?
Witness: No, Your Honour, I was kicked about halfway between the fracas and the belly button.
2. Witnesses sometimes move from being too talkative to being too obedient.
Counsel: You must not go off on a tangent when you answer my questions. From now on you must simply answer “yes or no”, just “yes or no” to everything I ask. Are you clear about that?
Witness: Yes or no.
3. In an American case brought under a 1910 law controlling prostitution and immorality, a woman from an exceptionally rough background was accused of crime. Her language was very coarse. In an effort to clean it up before the hearing, her lawyer, Mr Dawson, coached her in the proper terms for various sexual acts. Then, early in the case, she was questioned by the prosecution about the nature of the charge against her.
Prosecutor: Miss, do you know what intercourse is?
Defendant: I didn’t before I met Mr Dawson, but now I know very well what it is.
4. Having successfully defended a nice old man prosecuted for stealing money from the bank in which he worked, an American attorney asked his client to thank the jury that had just acquitted him. The client duly obliged.
Defendant: Thank you so much for your not-guilty verdict, ladies and gentlemen, and I truly promise I won’t ever do it again.
5. At the end of a long but unsuccessful cross-examination of a plaintiff, the advocate who had failed to shake his evidence concluded with an acerbic comment.
Counsel: Well, Mr Whitmore, you have contrived to manage your case very well.
Witness: Thank you, counsellor, perhaps I might return the compliment if I were not testifying under oath.
6. In an old case, a 17-year-old was charged with having unlawful sexual intercourse with a 15-year-old girl in a field. A farmer who had seen the event from a distance supported the prosecution’s case. The farmer was cross-examined by the young man’s counsel in an effort to suggest that what he had seen was innocent canoodling.
Counsel: When you were young did you never take a girl for a walk in the evening?
Farmer: Aye, I did that.
Counsel: And did you never sit and cuddle her on the grass in a field?
Farmer: Aye, I did do that.
Counsel: And did you never lean over and kiss her while she was lying back?
Farmer: Aye, I did that.
Counsel: Well then, anyone in a nearby field seeing that might have easily thought you were having sexual intercourse with her?
Farmer: Aye, and they’d have been right too.
7. Defendant I want the court to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the public defender isn’t interested in my case.
Judge [to public defender]: Counsel, do you have any comment on the motion?
Counsel [long pause]: Oh, I’m sorry, Your Honour, I wasn’t listening.
8. Counsel: Are you married?
Witness: No, I’m divorced.
Counsel: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
Witness: A lot of things I didn’t know about.
9. Traffic accident cases have produced their share of unexpected replies.
Counsel: Thank you Miss Robinson, so you were travelling at 29 mph, and would you please tell the court what gear you were in at the time of the collision?
Witness: Yes, I was in Armani jeans with a Gucci T-shirt and a Prada jacket.
10. Finally, it is worth noting that not only witnesses give unexpected replies. In an indecency case, a woman giving evidence was asked what the man in the dock had said to her. She was too embarrassed to repeat it out loud, so the judge asked her to write down. She duly wrote “would you care for a screw?” on a piece of paper and the note was passed around the jury until it reached juror No 12 – a middle-aged man who was dozing.
Sitting next to him was a young lady. She read the note, nudged her neighbour and handed it to him. He woke with a start, read the note and, with apparent satisfaction, folded it and put it away in his wallet. When the judge leant forward and said: “Let that note be handed up to me” the juryman shook his head and said: “No need, my lord, it is purely a private matter”.
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