“Studying seems pointless when you think you’re dying of a terrible illness,” says OU student Ailsa Roddie. She’s working towards a psychology degree, in part to pursue a career in the field, and to help cope with the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and hypochondriasis she was diagnosed with as a child.
“I was diagnosed with OCD and hypochondriasis – an OCD spectrum disorder – at the age of five or six-years-old. At its peak, I used to stay up all night washing my hands, I refused to eat because I was afraid of being poisoned and I avoided ever swallowing because I was afraid of germs.”
“I experience more distressing symptoms episodically, maybe every couple of years, and these symptoms have evolved over time. True to my hypochondriasis, though, a few days or weeks after hearing about an illness in the media I may start to notice symptoms and become convinced that I have it. The unfortunate thing is that extreme anxiety actually produces real symptoms to the extent that the doctor is compelled to take me seriously.
Distorted thinking
“I may also be troubled by ‘intrusive thoughts’. For example, if I go into a shop I may become terrified that I will shoplift and be unable to get the idea out of my mind, although this is not something I have ever done or would want to do. After I have paid, I still worry that there is something in the bag that I forgot to pay for and I half expect that security will appear and accuse me.
“If this kind of distorted thinking goes unchecked, and I am constantly worried about being terminally ill or guilty of a crime I might somehow have unwittingly committed, extreme anxiety becomes depression.”
'The idea of studying psychology was a direct result of my recent experiences with OCD. When I was experiencing a lot of difficulty, researching OCD and depression helped me to understand what was really going on and find ways to cope with it'
Ailsa, who’s in her early 20s and lives in Edinburgh, is studying towards a psychology degree with the OU, currently doing DSE212 Exploring psychology. She values the flexibility the OU offers, allowing her to cope with her illness, volunteer and follow her passion for theatre as well as working towards a future career clinical psychology, at her own pace.
“This course is a way for me to test my interest and aptitude. It is also the first step towards a degree that would make me eligible for the Graduate Basis Chartered Membership of the British Psychological Society, which I would need to go on to study clinical psychology.”
Ailsa already has a BA in Economics and Theatre Arts from Cornell University, and is studying psychology part-time at the OU while also volunteering. The subject is helping her learn more about mental illness and how the brain works, but it can sometimes be an additional cause of anxiety.
“The idea of studying psychology was a direct result of my recent experiences with OCD. When I was experiencing a lot of difficulty, researching OCD and depression helped me to understand what was really going on and find ways to cope with it. It also turned out to be fascinating and in turn opened the door to other areas of abnormal psychology, which lead me to start reading about psychology in general.
Fear and focus
"Having said that, there is a surprising amount of overlap with my previous studies in economics and theatre, and I have always had an interest in the psychological aspects of these, for example, in behavioural economics and in the performance of identity.
“In a period of high anxiety, concentrating is difficult. Studying seems pointless when you think you are dying of a terrible illness, and it is difficult to focus on anything other than this fear. I now realise that it is more effective to take a step back and do whatever is necessary to feel well before trying to tackle studying sometimes. Spending time on it without getting anywhere is not only pointless but generates further anxiety.
“Another problem is that I find it difficult to read about illnesses of the brain, which are useful for understanding how the brain works and figure significantly in the course. I suppose this is not unlike the famous ‘medical student syndrome’ and I hope that with exposure it will pass. Exposure is a very useful tool in dealing with OCD.”
'It's inspiring to be around people who take their individual challenges in their stride and just don’t let anything stop them'
The OU offers support to students with disabilities and Ailsa has been up front about her diagnosis.
“I decided to declare OCD as a disability because I had to take a break from previous studies as a result of it and thought that maybe if I had been open about what problems I was having sooner, there might have been another way forward.
“The OU got in touch with me to clarify what they could do to accommodate me. I suggested that if a period of high anxiety were to cause me to fall behind I might receive help to catch up. The lady I spoke to, who was unbelievably kind and understanding, suggested that my tutor could take the initiative to get in touch with me if there appeared to be a problem and I agreed.”
Aside from studying, Ailsa volunteers to help get an insight into psychology careers and finds it “inspiring to be around people who take their individual challenges in their stride and just don’t let anything stop them”. She also blogs.
An honest approach
“I have created blog templates in the past but I never got around to actually updating them so my blog about mental illness is really my first. It definitely helps to focus my mind. If something is bothering me, I find it is easier to carry on with what I need to do once I have figured out exactly what it is, typed it up and sent it off into the ether.
"It has other functions too. For one, deciding to be honest about my experiences is my way of trying to let go of the shame that I carry with them. Secondly, it helps me to keep track of how I am thinking, which can change quite dramatically depending on whether I am anxious about something or not, and learn from it.”
Find out more:
- Study with the OU – Psychology
- Read Ailsa’s blog, It’s Psychosomatic
- Support for students with disabilities
