Marilyn Long is a guest contributor to the blog with her poem on struggling and surviving with autism. Marilyn is a third-year PhD student investigating equitable inclusion for autistic students in online higher education and working with students and staff at the OU. Her focus is on the autistic student experience of studying in an HE context that is directed toward the expectations and support needs of a majority neurotypical student base. She began researching the higher education challenges for autistic students following her own diagnosis in 2018. Marilyn is passionate about her role as an autistic researcher, and as an OU Accessibility Champion Advocate.
Nine Spoons
Nine spoons for my pocket to start off my day
one to meet, 2 to greet, 3 to keep my mask eyes meek.
An extra few for sudden change, keep threats at bay, fears allay.
Too many people too much sound smells and textures. Senses bound.
Three spoons down.
Starting out, just six spoons now.
Clutch them tight, for fight or flight,
misread cues that bring me down, misinterpret smile or frown,
truth or lie, or empty feeling. Much the same when all misleading.
Try speaking truth, fair and just, power’s yours, unquestioned trust.
You need no spoons, not now not then. Try understanding. Not now? But when?
What shall I do with my six spoons?
Quit while ahead – leave the room?
Avoiding shutdown, meltdown, burnout,
gaining nothing but more self-doubt.
This living together is a two-way stretch.
Not with adjustments so I fit in your space
to act so you’re comfortable though I’m out of place.
Not my fake take on the ways to appease
miming and mouthing so you feel at ease.
Spoon cache exhausted. I’ve nothing left.
Just one spoon now to forge a fresh quiver:
bright sky, tree shade, mountain and river;
bird call, bee thrum, sparkling sand, setting sun;
steely cloud, starless night, ice moon, moth flight;
crackling leaf, fire glow, icy twig, trackless snow;
water ripple, tunnel of trees,
birch leaves shimmer, soft evening breeze.
Nature’s own palette, kaleidoscope true,
infuses each mystical shade tint and hue,
nine spoons for my quiver cast midnight till morn,
nine spoons in my quiver at break of new dawn.
Marilyn Long
We offer a heartfelt thanks to Marilyn for sharing her poetry with us in ALSPD and allowing the poem to feature on this blog.